In this Thursday Therapy episode, Glenn gives you his three top tips for people who feel like their weight is getting in the way of their dating life. Glenn invites Australia’s most followed dating coach for women and Founder of Make Him Yours, Mark Rosenfeld, to give his expert opinion in the FIRST EVER Thursday Therapy Referral!
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- Viewer question on feeling like they would get more dates if they weighed less. [00:58]
- Idea 1: Let the OTHER PERSON decide. [02:20]
- Idea 2: Honour your non-physical attractiveness. [03:12]
- Idea 3: Be mindful of your judgements of OTHERS. [04:08]
- Introducing Mark Rosenfeld from Make Him Yours. [05:59]
- On loving your own life where it’s at. [07:31]
- On expectations vs standards [09:10]
- Asking yourself: “What do I need to do to make myself happy?” [09:22]
- Summing up. [15:20]
Hey everyone, it is Glenn Mackintosh, the weight psych, and the question we’re answering today is about dating and weight. Hey guys, welcome to Thursday Therapy. Today we’re answering a really interesting question and I’m even going to get someone on really special to help us answer it. So, the question comes from Emma. Hey super star Glenn, I really struggle with dating at my weight. I think I would get more dates and romance if I was skinnier, but no dieting doesn’t work. What should I do about this?” Emma, thank you for this question. When I put it out there that I would like to answer a Thursday Therapy question on dating and relationships, I got a flood of emails coming through and I think this is one that kind of hits home for a lot of people, they kind of keep it to themselves, so thank you for being brave. I really, really like that you put in there, so good girl, you’ve obviously watched previous Thursday’s Therapies that dieting is probably not the answer, so that’s fantastic and also thank you for the compliment. Guys, I’m a sucker for compliments, so if you give me more compliments I’ll be more likely to answer your Thursday Therapy, that’s just the way it is. Anyway, I actually want to give you a few ideas on this and then I’m going to bring in someone really special who’s an absolute expert in this area, he’s absolutely fantastic, his work is very consistent with what we do but I recommend a lot of people go and see him and follow his work, he does a lot of stuff for free because it really does sort of go beyond what we do, so I’m going to give you a few answers and then we’re going to bring on someone really special. So, my first point is that it’s really the other person’s choice whether they like you or not. That’s kind of how dating works, you decide whether you like them and they decide whether they like you, so I don’t want you to, based on your own beliefs, make the other person’s choice for them. I’ve got clients for example who don’t swipe right in their tinder on people who they think are too good for them and that’s kind of how tinder works; you decide if you like the look and sound of them, they decide if they like the look and sound of you, so my first thought is don’t create this self-fulfilling prophecy where you believe you’re not good enough and then create that reality and not even give the other person a chance to decide whether they like you or not. So, the next thing I want you to think about is that there is so much more to your attractiveness than just the physical attractiveness, for example, if you get a couple of people who look the same, someone who’s more confident, who’s more self-assured, they’re probably a bit more attractive you know, intelligence is attractive having a good conversation with someone, that’s attractive, being a nice person is attractive. I’ve got single friends who will say things like yeah, she was really good-looking but she wasn’t very nice, so it kind of took the shine off thing, so what on want to say to you is you know zoom out from just the physical appearance and focus on all of your attractiveness and if you don’t think that you’re as attractive as you would like to be on that physical level, don’t dampen down or ignore the other elements of your attractiveness. Okay, the third point that I want to make and I feel a little bit nervous saying this is that you might need to look at your expectations of other people as well as yourself, you know, I see a lot of people at you know bigger shapes and sizes, that would love to find a relationship and then we talk through the type of partner that they want and they kind of won’t settle for anything apart from the body beautiful and it makes you kind of question the weird kind of irony there, so what I’ll encourage you to do is not only look at the judgments of yourself but also look at maybe lifting some of those judgments of other people because it could be that you’re limiting your dating pool through your own expectations. I’m not saying that that you don’t want to have expectations of course and I’m not saying there are things that you’re going to like and things that you’re not going to like, what I am saying is though, sometimes if you can take away some of those unnecessary judgments that society gives us about all of us, you could actually open up to a wider range of people that might be a good partner for you. Guys, this is a really big issue and I did my research in psychological and social factors and weight management, so I love kind of exploring this interaction between eating, weight, body image and relationships but I’m not a dating expert so we’re going to do things special today, I’m going to refer in for our first-ever Thursday Therapy referral and we’re going to refer into Mark Rosenfeld. He’s the founder of make him yours and he’s actually Australia’s most followed dating coach. So, let’s see what he has to say on the subject. So, Mark thank you for coming in. Thank you for having me. Guys, the first Thursday Therapy ever referral. Very honoured, I’m very honoured to be here. Mark has an amazing YouTube channel and Mark you’re obviously helping people out with a whole range of issues around dating, relationships and self-improvement. A big part of things that I didn’t really realize and I’ve got to say guys I kind of I was highlighting my ignorance because even though Mark is a bit bigger than me, I’ll say this, I actually thought that dating coaching was a little bit corny but Mark was the person, you actually changed my mind through watching your videos and obviously there’s a big intersection between what we do and some of the things I’m sort of watching Mark’s videos and he’s literally helping tens of thousands of people every week, your channel kind of gives me YouTube envy but you know some of these things I’m sort of thinking from a professional psychologists point, I’m like I really agree with that, I really get that for my clients and then also as a bloke, I’m like mark is explaining these things that almost all guys will experience when they’re dating and you’re really giving that these women and insight into our brains and how to kind of best support themselves to woo us. So, Mark’s going to talk to us today specifically about Emma’s question, what tips, you know, what’s the go-to, what do you say to people who really feel like their weight or their body image is really getting in the way of their dating life? Yeah sure, so Emma’s question in particular was I feel like if I was a lower weight I’d get more dates and have more success in dating. Do you know one of the ironies Glenn that I find in being a dating coach is that a lot of people come to me and they say, Mark, I’m unhappy with where I am, I feel like I should be in a certain position, you know, I should be married, I should have kids, I should be somewhere and I’m not that somewhere whatever that whatever that is to them and it’s this distance between where they think they should be, so their expectations and where they actually are, their standards or where they found themselves, that creates that unhappiness. So, to answer sort of Emma’s question, my first thought reading this was would I get more dates if I was a lesser weight or thinner. Well, the answer is no, not necessarily but you would get more dates if you were happier with where you’re at. So, one of the first things I have to do with clients and this is the irony is almost keep them single, is I need to go, okay I need to get them loving their single life, loving where they’re out, enjoying, embracing all the benefits of that because that’s when they become radiant to men and that’s when they get so many more dates because they love where they’re at. Men can sense that energy and that’s why we want to be around people that make us feel good because we can empathize with people and men just in the same way, if they’re around you and you’re feeling good all the time, you love where you’re at, men are going to be want to be around you more. We do, we like to be around people that make us feel good. Right, it’s really that simple and so this concept of, I’m not where I should be, this applies to your weight as well, we know that there’s lots and lots of bigger girls out there who do so well and dating, you know, you want to do incredibly well, I have clients, I have friends that absolutely kill it in dating because they love where they’re at and instead of being here, they’re perhaps here or they’re here, but they’re exceeding their expectations in where they are. So, the two factors that you’ve got to look at are your expectations versus your standards and where you’re at and the biggest thing I say to clients and I would say to you, Emma is that think about what do I need to do to make myself happy, what do I need to do to make myself happy because your happiness and the way you feel all the time and the energy you give up to men is going to be a function of where you’re at, compared to your expectations where you think you should be at. So, you’ve got to examine these two factors, so you might start with your expectations and you might say, okay my expectations, if I take a step back and I’m really honest, are completely unreasonable, you know I might feel like I need to be a supermodel Claudia Schiffer or any supermodel with a great body, I feel like this is way too much, if I step back and be honest with myself this is too much. And we do feel that, a lot of people you know with that thin ideal, we kind of feel like I have to be somewhere. Yeah, and because the expectation, you might be at a totally healthy weight, your expectations are up here, you still feel shit about it, you’ll get less dates because of it, yes. So, you might for example you might have a physical disability, where you go, okay I can’t, perhaps an illness, I can’t be quite where I want to be, so I need to shift my expectations a little bit and get myself to where I feel healthy, you know, a more reasonable level of expectations that works for me. So, you’ve got to look at where your expectations are and the second factor is you’ve got to look at where you are and where your standards are because it might be that you say, okay I’m actually a hugely health-conscious person, you know, I should have a six-pack all the time and that’s just my value, you might say, okay, I’m not compromising on that value because that’s a super core value for me, so I need to raise my standards and get myself up there and above that to feel good. You know for me, for example, it’s like if I don’t exercise as much as I should I start to sink below and I feel bad and I’m not writing to people in that state or you might say look my expectations are a bit unreasonable, I’m going to make them more healthy and realistic but I’m also going to go and take some action. And the way to do this is basically this, with your expectations, the first thing you might want to do to change those if you feel like they’re unreasonable is go okay I’m going to spend time around some people with healthier beliefs and healthier expectations as it relates to weight. Absolutely, we have a growing community of people who embrace sort of size diversity. And so, you say okay, you’re going to absorb people’s beliefs, you know you become like the five people you spend the most time around, so you spend time around people with better expectations that suit you more, you know, you might do research on what a healthy body weight actually is versus this rubbish idea that the media gives us and you say well actually healthy weights probably actually about here if I’m honest with myself or you might hire someone like myself or Glenn to get your mind-set in the right place and go okay this is where I need to be with this. So, those are a few strategies you can use to shift your expectations to perhaps a more healthy place if you feel like you’re buying into ones that are just too high and you feel like that doesn’t really connect with my values, my values need to be in a more realistic place. At the same time, to feel good, you might also have to be true to those values, so we all let fears and insecure is get in the way in dating especially because it’s a particularly vulnerable place but weight and exercise is another one of those and so we go okay I’m probably letting my fear of maybe going to the gym or how people will perceive me blocking myself, taking that action that would actually get me to that healthy value of weight where I see it, so I’m letting my fears drive my behaviour so being really honest with yourself about those fears, what fears are blocking me from getting up here, what do I need to do, what do I need to tackle to get out of my comfort zone. Maybe you build your environment around your success, so you know one thing I get clients to do is I’ll have them leave their phone across the room in the morning, they want to get out of bed, they got to walk, get out of their bed right, to do it, they set up their environment for success, you’ve got to automate your life. When I was exhausted getting home from work, had no energy at all to go to the gym, I was just totally tired. I’d go to the gym and literally fall asleep in the car because I knew that when I’d wake up I’d have no excuse not to go. Yeah, I’m already there. Right, so you set up your environment so you can examine those fears that are holding you back, set up your environment for success and then even if you need to get an expert opinion, dietician, PT, do whatever you got to do so that when you go, okay my expectations are in a healthy place, I don’t want to put them any lower than this because health is a value for me. Because it really is about your values. Exactly. It comes back to about, kind of, weight and shape, it’s like we see this that you know for a lot of people that we see healthy eating and regular movement, they’re important and when you’re not in line with that you’re like oh I feel… ick. And I think other people would feel that. Of course, absolutely. I mean if you’ve ever met a man and this is going back to the original example which is just people who come to me, you know, if you’ve ever met a man who was just miserable in a single life or even just miserable with his weight, you feel that energy, it’s a massive barrier, isn’t it? Yeah you feel it and you vibe it off him and you don’t feel good spending time around him whereas there’s plenty of bigger guys that are very confident, very happy where they’re out and even if a guy’s happy single, it’s about him being happy where he’s at. So, this is the balance that you’ve got to achieve and whether it’s through either factor, you know it might be, okay, my expectations are way out of line, I need to bring them out or maybe it’s like okay my expectations are actually pretty healthy, I need to bring my standards up or perhaps it’s a little of both. When you have this difference and you’re feeling positive emotions the majority of the time, not just about your weight, but about being single in general, you’re going to attract men and Emma, you’re going to have a lot more dates and romance in your life, I promise you. So, Mark thank you so much, that is brilliant advice and actually you’ve got a lot of psychology advice in there. It is a big crossover. Yeah there’s a massive crossover. So, if I can just add one more recommendation it would be to follow Mark. His stuff is really brilliant and I think it’s kind of like if we you know if I want my books to be in order, I can see an accountant, you know, if you want your mind to be in order you go and see a psychologist but we don’t often do that for dating coaches. Like, okay if I want my dating life to be in order, I’ll ask my best friend, who’s not doing so well herself, right it doesn’t make sense to me. I mean happiness is the people in our life but such a big, sort of, thing relating to our happiness, you know, like our relationship and the people around, I want the biggest factor. Yeah, that’s what I find in my practice, I studied, tried to study just psychological factors and weight management but I found that I had to zoom out and include the social because people are talking to me about, you know, that’s some of the biggest thing in their life no matter what they come in for me, you know, to see me for eating and weight and body image, half the time we’ve been talking about the relationships that’s so core to how you feel. And that’s why you know if a couple’s in trouble they go to a relationship psychologist and if you’re struggling with your dating, come to a dating coach, that’s certainly the way I feel. So, definitely, if you guys are youtubers subscribe to Mark’s channel and also Mark, we get a lot of our audience we do through emails, so we’ll provide a link, you’ve got a profile of dating. So, we’ve got, if you found yourself attracting the wrong men, if you’ve been getting people who just aren’t right for you, especially again and again whether it’s someone with a more narcissistic personality, controlling, victim minded, whatever it is, if you’re finding yourself you’re consistently attracting the wrong types of men, you can get a free report, right now, we’ll pop the link in the description below the video. Free report on the top 10 male dating personalities that lead to heartbreak. That might kind of help people you know kiss a few less frogs before they find another. Yeah, that’s the idea, it’s, you know, it talks all about the personalities, why you might attract them even, but most importantly how to spot them early. How to prevent yourself committing to the wrong person and you know wasting time and giving love to someone who isn’t right for you. Fantastic, well Mark, thank you so much for coming on, yeah, I hope you’ve enjoyed your first Thursday Therapy referral. I have learned a lot but guys you know thank you for being part of another Thursday Therapy. I feel like these issues are something that people keep to themselves a lot, so if you feel like you might have a friend who’s struggling with this maybe share this video with them, you might like to do it in a you know like a private message or an email and of course if you haven’t already what are you doing subscribe to both of our channels and we’ll see you at the next Thursday Therapy. Don’t forget to leave your questions, yes, leave your questions below. I’ll come on and answer and Glenn will see you very soon. Sounds good, thanks guys.